It’s silent and hits you hard when you least expected it.
Never knew I was going through mid-life crisis a few months back. It just hits you so hard when you are least prepared for it. Now sitting down and thinking back about it I come to realize the single reason for this crisis to occur in my life. Just 2 years back, I lost my only source of strength in life, my mum (a single parent). It wasn’t a sudden lost but it was a lost which I knew was going to happen when she was diagnosed with lung cancer approximately 4 years before her death. The oncologist has determined that she was suffering from Stage 4 lung cancer and could not pull through more than a year but she fought a good battle for 4 years before scumming to deaths hands. Irony, she wasn’t a smoker or drinker but she was an Asian woman.
I lost my grandma (mum’s mother) to ovarian cancer, my grandpa (mum’s father) heart attack but he was diagnosed with blood cancer but recovered miraculously thanks to an amazing doctor whom practiced traditional medicine whom himself scummed to colon cancer. Shit, this word cancer seems to be driving most of us nuts. Just few months back, short of my mum’s 2nd year death anniversary her sister passed away in a sudden heart attack. So here comes the juicy part, I am single child with no siblings. With all these lost of close family members in life, I still pulled through due to my strong characterized and positive thinking spouse. But just 4 months back, while sitting down a having coffee, this thought crawled into my mind. What if I had “CANCER”? What’s the possibility? I had some uncomfortable feel in my throat, wait I think my tummy too, wait maybe my neck too. Oh shit, I got to get myself checked.
And here is how it all started just a small little spark of “What if”. Oh boy, let me tell you whenever my mind was at rest these thoughts would surface which soon became to surface when I was travelling, sitting, sleeping, showering etc. Life became a big challenge. I never confided to my loving spouse and continued to act normal and happy with my spouse and kids but deep down there I had this gut wrenching and emotional thunderstorm which was taking place within me. Couldn’t sleep well, food had no taste and at times I wondered am I eating due to hunger or was it just to fill me up. Cancer and ultimately death was all I could think off. Imagine every moment of your life you are thinking if you going to survive tomorrow, what’s going to happen to your spouse when you are gone, how will your kids grow up without a dad. Will they miss me? I ain’t lucky enough to see them grow etc, etc. Man, it was real traumatizing!
This went on for that whole 4 months till one day, I said to myself I can’t take this any longer, mum why did you leave me so suddenly and the void is too much and I have no one to confide on my deepest thoughts and why did you have to be diagnosed with cancer? My mum was everything to me from my strength to my life. She gave up her life after her divorce when I was 3 to put all her energy in bringing me up the right way, sacrificing her life and happiness for me. My spouse always says that my mum told her, that my mum’s happiness in life was me. All these just made it worst. I was looking for someone to confide my problems too, but whom could I go to. I needed a mother’s love, care, touch, concern etc. I need something to grip onto in this whirlpool life. And then the answer came through a storybook my son was ready.
I was reading one of the short stories within the book and the story was titled “Promises are never meant to be broken”. It was a true story revolving around Mother Kali. While reading it something just sparked up in me. Something that I could not explain. I knew who Mother Kali was but I never looked to her for anything till that moment. I remembered than what my mum had told me, my mum’s siblings has told me. “Your biological dad was a strong devotee of Mother Kali and he loved her so much that we believe he had her blessings”. I would not want to say why they believed that my biological dad had some special blessings as I don’t have much details on that. After reading that story and with this memory, I told my spouse about it. She said take care in whatever you are thinking cause Mother Kali is not someone whom you would want to anger in any context.
From that moment, I started reading more about Mother Kali and what she meant to us and how she had touched so many others in life. And following up on all these, I was sitting in office and had this urge to take a look at the beauty of Mother Kali that Monday morning. I still remember it’s a Monday! I went into Google to started hunting for that sole picture or portrait which was imprinted in my mind of her (that’s the image on the left). I found that portrait and before I realized I was tearing, the more I looked upon her as my mother the more I teared. It was at that moment, I realized what she meant to me. I had found my mother in life again and this mother would always be eternal and never go away from me. I had found the mother whom had given me to my biological mother. I had at last found her in my midlife crisis. From that moment, all the negative thoughts started to vanish from my thoughts. My life was returning back to normal. I came to realize that I have found my mum back and what’s there to worry. If anything has to happen it has to happen and no one is going to change it. If it’s the will of my eternal mum for something to occur than I was accept it as it is.
I started doing lots a soul searching, reading, viewing videos and rationalizing lots of stuffs which was happening around me and within me. It’s all in the brain/mind. What you think is the ultimate root of all that occurs within you. I had liberated myself from such thoughts through the grace of my mother Kali. I don’t deny that such thoughts still do occur and surface from time to time but I have learnt to overcome them and turn them to positive thoughts with my mother beside me. To it’s like me it’s like I am still a child and holding my mum’s hand and walking through this phase called life. So much had happened in that few months of my mid-life crisis but it had made me stronger person to live my life on.
Sign Off, Conscious Words.
Note:Thank you to those sites which had given me this images. I claim no ownership to these images.